I recently received the following comment on my last post:
“It’s confusing - I really like your blog and empathise with your woes and always your writing is so strong that you make me want to reach out to you and give you a hug. You are a good writer who makes me feel your pain, your confusion and your ‘youthful’ angst. But.... invariably you bring your self-worth issues back to your looks, your toned body, your clothes and what you clearly see as following on from that - your perceived ‘hotness or notness’ the whether or not you can pull your ideal beardy guy. Really?
You place so much of your self-esteem in looks and boys - for an intelligent woman - that’s a dubious approach, isn’t it?
Because what you seem to want more than anything is to be taken care of, for the successful male to come along and take you away from the hard work of making your own way in the world - really, oh to have a man with a good income and a nice flat - well dear reader, he must be in search of a wife.
That aspect of you blog antagonises me because I hope you’re not so shallow and yet you keep doing/saying it. Do you acknowledge that pattern yourself? Smetimes we’re the worst observers of our own behaviour.
I mean, you write well, you must have a fortune in savings, and you’ve got your looks. You could sign up for a journalism cours in the real world. I could see this working in any of the London freebie mags at staions.
But it’s time to leave your little girl lost behind, that desire to manipulate, or at least keep it in a room where you only go now and again.
Sorry for the moan - it will annoy but it’s meant with good intentions.”
Whilst I don't feel as though I have to justify, or explain myself to anyone, I'd actually quite like to. Perhaps, if you are fairly new to my site, or just curious, it might serve to answer any niggling questions you may have.
Rather than repeat myself, if you wish to understand the journey it took to get me here, sat in my friend's apartment in Berlin, a suitcase to my name, then you should probably start by reading my guest post on The Tea Drinking English Rose's website.
Now you're up-to-speed, let me start by stating the obvious - I am, as it turns out, only human & am not in anyway perfect, nor profess to be. My days, weeks, years even, are spent attempting to accept this fact & work on self-love, self-worth & finding inner happiness. Eradicating the need to seek fulfillment in empty, materialistic, surface behaviour.
Do I still stand in front of the mirror & wince at the fleshy parts of my body, I wish were toned? Of course I do. Do I long to share my life with someone? Absolutely. Does that make me weak minded or superficial? No, it simply makes me human & I'm not going to be afraid to own up to my faults, nor will I feel the need to justify or apologise for them.
Just because I wish to share my life with someone (bearded or otherwise), doesn't mean to say I crave validation, or wish to be looked after. It took me long enough just to accept the thought of sharing a life with someone, without feeling as though I was stating that I would be incomplete on my own, as I wrote about here.
Having grown up with a father who spent his life trying to 'take care of things', I spent the gap after his death, learning what it meant to take care of myself. In fact, my entire journey, over the past ten months, has been entirely about finding out who I am, what I want from life & how I can achieve this, solely through my own actions. I can honestly say, my independence is everything to me now.
The past few years have been exceptionally hard at times & whilst I may not have reached a feeling of fulfillment, I certainly feel as though I've etched a little bit closer. My priority right now is to just do what feels right. Respect my body, help clear my mind & just generally be a little kinder to myself. Life unfolds naturally & organically, if we allow it to.
I like to keep this quote in mind:
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Do your best and surrender the rest. Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment. That is all I can ever expect of anyone, including me.” Love yourself and be proud of everything you do, even your mistakes, because your mistakes mean you’re trying.”
If you still feel as though you have unanswered questions, please feel free to get in touch via my contact page.
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