{Lately on Instagram}

Okay, let's face it, I'm not going to be able to write today without acknowledging the fact that it's Valentine's Day and currently, to some extent, that kinda sucks for me right now.  Mostly because, instead of exploring the souks of Marrakesh, hand-in-hand with the man I've been hopelessly in love with for nearly a year, I am instead, still here, at home in Berlin, alone.

For the most part, I've been keeping my shit together, but admittedly, last night I had a bit of a wobble.  A little moment whereby I questioned...well, everything really.  Including my stubbornness and maybe my own communication issues.  However, I woke up today to the sun beaming in and I've made plans with a friend to go check out the street food on offer by Bite Club, over at the Berlinale.  So thankfully, not all is lost to the land of broken hearts and rejected lovers.

Plus, I've got a whole week of cake eating ahead of me and a visit from one of my favourites to look forward to come March!  In fact, regardless of anything, I have to say, I am always genuinely really thankful that I have such wonderful friends in my life.  I really am.  I can't deny that these past few years have been incredibly unstable and somewhat turbulent at times and there is no doubt in my mind, that I wouldn't have made it through without the help and support of my closest friends.

The English dictionary describes a friend as; "a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations."  Personally, I think the real meaning of a friend goes far beyond a mutual bond, or common ground.  I think in reality, it's when you care about someone enough to be there for them and support them, when they have absolutely nothing to offer you and vice versa.  People you expose yourself to emotionally and who accept and love you, regardless of what that reveals.  People you can trust to share your fears, dreams and experiences with.

Admittedly, I've had a lot of fair weather friends over the years and perhaps, I too have been one on a few occasions, unintentionally, but now more so than ever, I know who my real friends are and I keep them close and appreciate them, every damn day.  When shit hits the fan, you don't have to have a lot of friends in life, but you do need real ones.

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{Lately on Instagram}

Whilst the temperatures are still stubbornly low here in Berlin, the sun has at least been fighting to make a much welcomed comeback and I for one am grateful.  Whilst I will never attempt to deny my allergy to morning wake-up calls, I have to say, that the gentle light that has begun to beam through my window each morning, has been greatly helping me get up and out of bed at a far earlier time than previous weeks/months have seen.  Okay, we may not be talking single digits here, but we are at least seeing the morning side of noon.  It's a small accomplishment and damn it, I'm gonna run with it.

The sun's reappearance is somewhat shifting my day-to-day habits too; I suddenly feel far more encouraged to be outside again, even despite the chill.  As I amble around the city, during the late afternoon, I can't help but become acutely aware that I'm actually able to see it once more, now that it's no longer cloaked in winter's murky shadows!  It's eclectic architecture, it's abandoned bottles, the technicolour graffiti, I can see it all clearly once again and it's a little like being reacquainted by an old friend.

Admittedly, I, like many others, suffer awfully with Seasonal Affective Disorder during the winter months and there were so many moments during this particular winter, whereby I just wanted to book a flight to the nearest tropical location and never come back, but in the end, as gruesome as the past few months have indeed been at times, I truly am glad that I stuck it out.  Sometimes, despite everything, you have to realise that the problem is less so the environment and more so, yourself and thus, it's ultimately irrelevant if you and your suitcase find yourself by the beach in Borneo, or holed up in a chilly Berlin apartment, because the issue will still be there, regardless.

If the past few years have taught me anything, it's that burying your head in the sand isn't going to solve things and that, for the most part, facing your demons actually works out a lot less scary than continually hiding from them.  So here's to spring, may you bring all the warmth we so aptly deserve!

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A strong heart knows when to let go.

Contrary to what the Beatles may have had you believe, when it comes to relationships, love, my dear friends, is simply not enough.  Not in the slightest.

Because the truth of the matter is this - one day, probably one seemingly nondescript, very ordinary day (if it hasn't hit you like a shovel already), you will meet someone, who quite by chance, induces such an intense and rich feeling of overwhelming, heart-aching, soul shattering love in you, that you somehow find yourself, perhaps quite uncharacteristically, fighting tooth and nail to be with them, repeatedly, with no apparent regard for anything they do or say and quite in spite of how poorly they treat you.

Eventually though, exhausted by your efforts, you do thankfully find yourself reaching a stage, whereby you realise, you simply have to respect yourself enough to take a step back and create some space.  Space for you both to breath.  Space for these feelings to expand and grow.  Space for the other person to attempt to make a move closer to your side and ultimately, perhaps enough space for them to feel your absence.  A hollow feeling which, if they do truly care, should scare them just the right amount into wanting to fight for you too.

Unfortunately, there are of course occasions, where you create that space for someone and it just lays there, dormant and empty, because the other person never actually made the choice to step into it.  In the end, they chose not to fight for you and their affection sorrowfully failed to ever grow, or expand.  Your absence altogether failing to ever be recognised.

Admittedly, it can be that precise inaction, that can be the most painful part in the whole torrid affair.  However, if you're never brave enough to create that space, then you'll never truly know the strength and depth of your partner's affection and as hard as it no doubt will be, if you do indeed find yourself at the end of the road, disappointed, deflated and generally stung by the feeling of being let down, it is genuinely a far worse thing to continue along the cobbles blindly, never actually realising, that you were ultimately always walking it alone.

At the end of last year, I myself reached that point; the part in the process whereby I needed to take a step back and see if I was trying to inflate a ripped balloon.  Dismally it appears I was.  The worst part, is that despite all the heartache over the past year, I could honestly have forgiven everything and I mean, everything, but what I simply couldn't deal with and what seemed to perpetually niggle me, was that he just couldn't seem to be open or honest about things, nor ever fully commit to me.  Which, when I thought about it, seemed to come down to one of two things; either he was a coward, or he simply didn't care enough about me and really, neither of these were good answers.

On the one hand, if he really didn't care, then he was a complete disrespectful cad for ever letting things reach the stage that they had, having known full well from the start how I felt about him and on the other hand, if he was simply just a coward, too afraid to let me in, terrified that I wouldn't love him for the real him, sans all the surface bullshit, then, well, in truth, I couldn't help but pity him really.  Although, in all honesty, in either case, I kind of pitied myself more.  Because, regardless of anything, these were sadly both things I couldn't change.  I simply had to accept them and equally, I had to accept that, unless he was willing to make certain changes, we'd subsequently reached the natural conclusion to our relationship.

Of course, it can't be denied, that every relationship will eventually meet a dead end, so to speak, however, it is often those precise brick walls that serve as the very test of a union.  You have the choice to either find a way to break through those barriers, strengthening and growing your relationship in the process, or you give up and walk away, either because you're uninterested, or simply because you just couldn't see, or find a way through.

Personally, I really didn't think this was how it would end.  I kind of always saw us as the breakthrough types, I really did, but in all honesty, this just isn't my wall to break down, this is his and I have to be willing to honour us both by accepting that and moving on.  At the end of the day, I broke my own heart enough times over the course of 2014 and I naturally don't want to see myself make the same mistakes again in 2015.

Of course, that's not to say that walking away is something I find easy.  I won't pretend that my pillow won't be sodden a fair few nights and my face may crumple at a memory or two, but in the long run, it's a far better thing to be on my own, than to choose to be with someone who makes me feel alone.  I mean, when you really think about it, if you're the only one fighting, what are you actually fighting for?

I will always love him…but right now, I'm simply choosing to love myself more.

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