{Lately on Instagram}

December, the season of goodwill to all men and all those other seemingly poetic notions.  Admittedly, in the past, I have been somewhat dedicated to the insertion of Christmas cheer, but, in truth, these last few years have slowly but surely seen me lose all connection to the holidays and now, it appears I am the epitome of the Grinch.

I think, in part, it's mostly to do with my annoyance that a large part of society don't seem to take this loving feeling and implement it into their daily lives, all year round.  I mean, why do we need an excuse to be kind and generous?  Surely that should be our daily mantra!  Equally, I don't want to have to feel socially pressured to do anything, especially things such as gift giving or card sending and I particularly hate the idea of forcing myself to be 'merry' and spend time with or speak to 'family', whom for the most part, act like complete strangers for the other 364 fucking days of the year.

My previous enjoyment of the holidays have really always come down to simply a vibe; watching Christmas movies, cooking up a feast and generally feeling a little warmer inside, but in truth, I feel as though, over the past few years, I've woken up to a lot of life's illusions; the things that are so engrained in our lives, that we stop questioning them and because of that, I really just can't reconnect with my old thinking anymore.  Okay yes, it's true, I'm a complete over-thinker, but honestly, I'd rather that, than be asleep, living out of habit, unconsciously repeating myself.

I mean, you know that come down you feel when you know the holidays are over and you witness the tree coming down?  Yeah, that.  I truly believe, that if you filled your everyday life with merriment, you'd happily remove the tinsel and start getting excited about January and if you did more of what you loved throughout the year, I reckon you'd almost look forward to heading back to work, because you'd probably be making money doing something fulfilling, not just something that paid the bills.

I think the reason why I find the holidays hard and in truth, I do, is because I see how people change, how they come together, how they cling so fiercely to those few weeks of festive fueled happiness and it reminds me of how many people still haven't worked out, that the other eleven months of the year should feel like that.

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{Insightful Sunday} Self-Worth

Do you ever just look back and see how much you gave to someone and then realise how little they gave you in return?  I'm not saying you should give to receive, but ultimately, sometimes, you give and give and give, in this open, loving, unconditional way, only to start to wake up to the fact that you're the only one giving anything at all.  It's like fighting tooth and nail for something, or someone, only to find that you're the only one in the battle, which surely means that in reality, you're ultimately fighting against yourself. 

The annoying thing is, the real issue was never them, nor their behaviour, their lack of appreciation, or care, it was you, for accepting it.  For making excuses.  For going back.  Time and time again.

Lately, I started to feel a little unsteady in my relationship and I projected a lot of that concern onto the other person, but it was only recently that I came to realise what the real crux of the issue was and it turned out, it wasn't them at all, it was in fact me.

I have always stood by the belief, that you attract to you, people who teach you something about yourself and especially when it comes to romantic relationships, it seems that we pull towards us the same types again and again, because there are often hard lessons to be learnt, that simply won't dissipate until they eventually have been learnt.  Now personally, I thought I'd pinned down what my lessons were in this particular relationship - self-expression, loving without restrictions, yada yada, - but it turns out that the real issue was one that harked back longer than I could remember and one that was so engrained, I didn't even realise it was there: self worth.

This lack of self worth, that I wasn't even aware of, was not just affecting my relationships with the opposite sex, but also my relationships with friends and ultimately and perhaps more critically, even my work.  I'm a creative, so naturally, to some degree, I tend to be critical of myself, but how often do I hold myself back, because I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, that what I create isn't good enough?  How many times have I accepted being put last on someone's priority list, because I didn't believe I was important enough to be considered for a position on the top of it?  How many times had I failed to speak up about what I wanted, or what I needed, because I felt that the person I had to say it to would simply walk away, not considering me worth the hassle?

Waking up to the realisation that I was persistently holding myself back in many areas of my life, simply because I wasn't willing to be my own champion, was eye-opening, if not a little tear jerking.  How long had I been unwittingly doing this and most importantly why on earth had I been doing this!?

I think in life, you can be full of good intentions - being kind, caring, considerate, supportive and giving your love freely to others - but if you can't do that for yourself, because you don't believe you deserve to be treated that way, then there simply aren't enough people in the world, with enough love and belief in you, that will be able to prove you wrong.

Perhaps though, it's finally time to recognise that the past is the past, it's created our present sure, but in order to have the future we really want, we need to acknowledge what's been holding us back, what didn't work and learn to let it all go, so that we may finally find the confidence to stand up and be counted.  To say 'this is what we want, this is what we need, this is what we're going to achieve' and be confident in saying it, because we truly believe it's what we deserve and are capable of.

It's soon to be a new year, another chance to make a change and exert some personal authority.  *Deletes messages, erases phone numbers, puts the past behind.*  Now, I'm not really one for making new year's resolutions, but I do think that this seems like an opportune time to maybe recognise what's not working in my life, where I'm clearly going spectacularly wrong and what lessons are obviously still left to be learnt and choose to make an executive decision to attempt to make right some wrongs.  If I'm ever going to achieve great things, I need to first believe that I can!

“Everyone creates realities based on their own personal beliefs. These beliefs are so powerful that they can create [expansive or entrapping] realities over and over.”
— Kuan Yin

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{Inisghtful Sunday} A timely illusion.

Why must time insist on flying by at such rapid speed these days?  I mean really, one minute it was August and now, all of a sudden, it's merely a matter of weeks until we start an entirely new year again!  It kind of makes me feel sad in some ways, the way life just seems to hit a particular point and then suddenly time speeds up and the years pass by like weeks, days blurring into insignificance.  In fact, I was looking through my photos on Instagram last night and saw all of the ones of my time out in Sicily.  Over three months spent luxuriating on the beach, eating gelato and soaking up the sun; seems like only yesterday, yet, when I calculated, it was actually over a year ago that I left there to go back to the mainland!  A fact of which I can barely comprehend!

During my last trip to France, I remember standing by the window in my friend Kate's kitchen, staring out at the falling leaves, which had all of a sudden gone from a dense rich green to a golden shade of brown and discussing the concept of time.  When I contemplate what I know to be true about the world, it is this - seasons come and go, the sun rises then sets and for every birth, there is a death, yet we are the only species who have felt the need to break down this natural flow and stick it so rigidly into a structured format, that we can all work around, sometimes quite literally.  It is in essence though, an illusionary state, because in truth, there is no March, there is no Tuesday and even three o'clock is simply a fabrication.  There is just life and life should not be fixed nor measured, although, we sure as hell like to try to.

Personally, with the nomadic, chaotic, untethered life I lead these days, I will admit that for the most part, the concept of time has slowly disintegrated.  I constantly have to check with people in order to be reminded of what day it is and if it weren't for things like yoga, or meetings, I'd probably sleep in 'til noon most days.  Admittedly, I know such a lifestyle is not always practical in this modern world, but I for one think that a life without the traditional calender structure actually flows better.  Unlabelled days, sleeping when you're tired, rising when you're awake, eating when you're hungry, not because it's 'lunchtime'.

Perhaps if time wasn't so measured, I wouldn't worry about it going by so quickly, because maybe I just wouldn't notice.  Maybe I'd just be in the flow of it and without counting up the days, who's to say how much time has passed.  Life just becomes endless.  I think it would be nice to be in an endless state of existence that came with no preoccupation with time, just going with the grand ebb and flow of the day, the light, my cravings, my needs.  No fixed structure and the simple, yet often difficult, ability to change course at will.  No hold over expectations.  No fear of the end, because the end is inevitable and its timing unknown, so why not embrace the moment, especially when the moments are often so fleeting.

Maybe I'm just slipping into a bohemian coma here, maybe it's the winter hibernation, but maybe it's just time to let go of time.

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