Do you ever have those moments, whereby you have something you so desperately want to say, words that have been spinning crazily around your head for days, weeks, months even, but you just can't seem to vocalise them? They sit clogged in your throat, unable to escape, causing a perpetual cough, which acts as a constant reminder that you aren't saying what needs to be said.
I had so many words, so many important words, that continually circulated around the crevices of my mind for months and months and months and in fairness, a few did thankfully manage to escape at times, however, unfortunately, having perfected their extradition in my mind, during lengthy conversations with myself, the reality of their execution often ended up being far from perfect.
In fact, after eventually building up the courage to release the remains of those very heartfelt words from the fearful, awkward grip, that had been keeping them captive for such an excruciatingly long period of time, they finally tumbled out, in fast succession, one after the other, in a chaotic jumble that was painfully less than fluent, often at times inaudible through the waves of tremendous, heart aching, salty tears and ultimately failed to be entirely cohesive at all. An inarticulate disaster that made me wish I'd brought cue cards.
Despite the pitiful display, including a tearful train journey home at 1am, whereby I neither knew nor cared, that half my mascara was decorating my cheeks, I did at least gain some much needed clarity in the midst of what turned into a very public verbal meltdown. In all truth, there had been certain things I'd been somewhat afraid to ask over time, simply because, in part, I already knew the answers, but, as painful as it was to come face-to-face with some pretty stark and harsh realities, I have to admit that I've found some sort of odd comfort in it all.
I mean, I can't live my life in the grey of someone else's indecision and equally, I have to acknowledge that there is nothing to be gained from sitting on the sidelines, never fully being present in the ever passing moments, secretly clinging on to the hopeful expectations, that continually formulate in the darkness of my mind. Expectations of which, I know won't amount to anything other than disappointment.
So, I guess the lesson here really, is that those words that silently eat away at you in the late hours of the night, that cling to your tonsils and spark moments of desperate, soul aching hysteria, they simply need to be expressed. Regularly and with as much ease and grace as one can afford them. Otherwise, they gradually build into something unrecognisable and inedible and you end up choking on them, perhaps rather dramatically, in the street one night.
At the end of the day, the things we struggle with to the greatest degree, usually turn out to be the most important issues we need to confront and deal with and whilst the thought of the possible outcome, or even just the clearing process itself, can at times be so difficult, it ends up holding us back, in most cases, once we overcome those hurdles, facing those fears can actually end up being exactly what sets us free. Even when it does end in the seemingly worst outcome or through the most awkwardly painful delivery.
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