Getting back to Berlin has been most cleansing. Not least because I have returned to yoga, cycling & clean eating, as well as sticking to my T-total ways, but also because, I've made peace with myself, in terms of the relationships I have with others. Namely, men.
After writing my second resolution a few weeks ago, about recognising my ghosts, as if by universal attraction, I found myself immediately afterwards, dealing with exactly that; my relationship ghosts. Beard was suddenly offering to come visit me in Berlin for my birthday & the Rabbi was being his usual mystical elusive self, both sending me into a frenzy of anxiety & elation, all at the same time.
Just as I was about to be entirely seduced into this destructive behaviour of absorption, I snapped out of the haze, took a step out of the situation, looked at it from another angle & realised, the issue isn't them, or their behaviour towards me, it's my tolerating it that's the problem. That's when I realised, this was the real ghost & it was this that needed the vanquishing.
In the same sense of recognising that what we seek in others, is really what we need to fulfil within ourselves, equally so, the issues that arise in our relationships with others, are merely representations of our own issues. We unwittingly project onto others, that which we struggle with ourselves. So it was time for me to stop questioning their behaviour & take a look at my own.
What was it that I was struggling with, that I felt the need to cast upon them. Validation would most likely be one thing. Recognising my own lack of self-worth at times. Perhaps their lack of commitment. Yet, I already know what I want, so in essence, why am I not committing to that & instead, expending so much energy & effort into things I know won't satiate me long term.
Communication. Am I clearly communicating my thoughts & feelings with others. Maybe not. Honesty. Maybe I'm the one not being honest enough with myself about things. Cracking down on the real issues, made me almost feel stupid that I allowed myself to get so constricted by these seemingly toxic relationships, but equally it completely freed me of them.
Of course some things in life are worth fighting for, but others, well, let's just say, we live it, then we let it go & right now, I'm all for letting go. Ultimately, the right people come into your life at the right time. Some stay for a brief interlude & others for the long haul. Regardless of the duration, you always teach each other something along the way. I'd like to think, I've finally learnt something & I truly feel as though I'm not haunted anymore.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
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