After over twelve years of battling with manic depression, which saw me teeter on the edge of suicide more times than I can count, finally being able to feel at peace & really be happy is an almost overwhelming sensation. When I think of all the times I nearly gave up on life, fearing that the fog clouding my mind would never clear, unable to enjoy the highs, in fear of the catastrophic lows that would follow, it all seems so alien to me now.
The past year has certainly pulled me through my toughest times & forced me to shed myself of old habits, old thoughts & any niggling negativity, that was dragging me down & stopping me from really living & enjoying my life. Now, instead of smashing my head against a wall, or passing out on a cocktail of drugs & alcohol, my lowest point is at the bottom of a biscuit tin.
No longer do I feel that pang of emptiness inside, that loneliness that ate away at me like a disease, slowly but surely blanking out the light in my eyes. No longer do I feel the need to leap out of my own body, or cocoon myself in my own thoughts, that were always so tinged with madness & which pushed me further & further away from those I loved.
I may not yet have found myself whole, my life still very much a work in progress, but I have at least released myself from the ties that bound me. From the heartache, the fear, the soul crushing negativity that was suffocating me & leaking the joy from my life. I have emerged from my chrysalis, reformed & ready to take flight with new wings, in a new open & loving world.
I guess the one thing I've learnt more than anything, is to never give up. It really is darkest before the dawn & even when it seems like the walls are caving in, persevering just that little bit longer can truly be the difference between the end & a new beginning. Sometimes a little bit of faith, goes a long way.
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