Winter is so brutal in its bitterness. The light not only fades on the afternoon, but also on my happiness. All I crave is hibernation. To be in my own space, in my own bed, arms and legs wrapped comfortingly around the one I love. Alas, instead I am still without my own home and feeling somewhat alone. Alone in a dark, grey and abysmally cold Berlin, that seemingly offers no breaks.
Over the summer, everything seemed simple, sure it was hard and I certainly had my moments, but for the most part, I felt content, even if I was sleeping on a kitchen floor for most of it! Of course, I acknowledge that in some ways, in order for things to change, I need to accept them as they are, but damn, at times, in truth, that's hard. Really hard. I haven't had a home for eighteen long months. The memory of my own space, being surrounded by my own things, whilst I lay in my own bed, it brings me to tears with sorrow, it really does.
I made some huge sacrifices in order to get to this moment in time, but ultimately, I made them to gain some much needed perspective and that was something I felt was incredibly important and despite how I feel right now, I couldn't be more grateful for everything I have learnt along the way, I really couldn't. However, sometimes those gains just don't make the losses any easier. Sometimes, it's apparent that we just don't know what we have until it is gone. Long gone.
I can't deny that I've been through a lot these past few years. It's been a really rough period. Really rough. I guess if nothing else, it has served to show me just how tough I actually can be, especially when perhaps I was beginning to see myself as entirely helpless. Honestly though, even I am questioning as to whether or not I'm tough enough to carry on, but what's the alternative? When you burn the bridges you cross, the only option is to continue on ahead, in the hope that things get better.
Right now, I pray for spring to hurry its arrival, so my skin can feel its gentle warmth again and these dark, depressing days can finally be over. I pray for the one I love to make me feel loved and secure, to be able to at long last feel settled here, for this awful period of uncertainty to pass and to ultimately return to that sense of contentment and happiness I miss so much. I really need these things. I need them more than I've ever needed anything before.
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