{Lately on Instagram}

The other day, whilst home alone, I randomly started to think about things and I suddenly realised that, to a certain extent, whilst I may not have entirely made all my dreams come true just yet, for the most part, I really am living the dream.  Well, my dream to be more precise.

When I think back to all those times, that I dragged myself out of bed, in order to head to a job that, quite frankly, I'd begun to loathe and that was slowly but surely beginning to drain me of my spirit, I couldn't be more thankful to be free of that encasement today.  Regardless of the current compromises.  All those times when I stood there, day dreaming of telling everyone to go stick it where the sun don't shine and walk out in some grand act of defiance, only to actually in reality remain precisely where I was, a forced smile painted across my face, my passion for life seeping out, minute by minute.  Soul gradually dying.

In all truth, I don't think about those times too often now.  They seem so far away, that they could almost have occurred in another lifetime, but when I do catch my mind wandering in that direction, I take a moment to soak it all in and realise in great appreciation, that right here, right now, regardless of anything, my life is one big fuck you, to all the bullshit I left behind.  A middle finger to all the bureaucracy, to all the hierarchy and to the systematic belittling of my hopes and dreams.

I eat cake to all the lunch breaks that were too short.  I do yoga for all the holiday I wasn't allowed to take when I wanted.  I sleep in and I stay up late, for all the Monday mornings I dreaded waking up to and I write, I write because I wish to express my appreciation for the life I now have the pleasure of living and to encourage others to one day do the same.

Happy Weekend!

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{Lately on Instagram}

Okay, let's face it, I'm not going to be able to write today without acknowledging the fact that it's Valentine's Day and currently, to some extent, that kinda sucks for me right now.  Mostly because, instead of exploring the souks of Marrakesh, hand-in-hand with the man I've been hopelessly in love with for nearly a year, I am instead, still here, at home in Berlin, alone.

For the most part, I've been keeping my shit together, but admittedly, last night I had a bit of a wobble.  A little moment whereby I questioned...well, everything really.  Including my stubbornness and maybe my own communication issues.  However, I woke up today to the sun beaming in and I've made plans with a friend to go check out the street food on offer by Bite Club, over at the Berlinale.  So thankfully, not all is lost to the land of broken hearts and rejected lovers.

Plus, I've got a whole week of cake eating ahead of me and a visit from one of my favourites to look forward to come March!  In fact, regardless of anything, I have to say, I am always genuinely really thankful that I have such wonderful friends in my life.  I really am.  I can't deny that these past few years have been incredibly unstable and somewhat turbulent at times and there is no doubt in my mind, that I wouldn't have made it through without the help and support of my closest friends.

The English dictionary describes a friend as; "a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations."  Personally, I think the real meaning of a friend goes far beyond a mutual bond, or common ground.  I think in reality, it's when you care about someone enough to be there for them and support them, when they have absolutely nothing to offer you and vice versa.  People you expose yourself to emotionally and who accept and love you, regardless of what that reveals.  People you can trust to share your fears, dreams and experiences with.

Admittedly, I've had a lot of fair weather friends over the years and perhaps, I too have been one on a few occasions, unintentionally, but now more so than ever, I know who my real friends are and I keep them close and appreciate them, every damn day.  When shit hits the fan, you don't have to have a lot of friends in life, but you do need real ones.

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{Lately on Instagram}

Whilst the temperatures are still stubbornly low here in Berlin, the sun has at least been fighting to make a much welcomed comeback and I for one am grateful.  Whilst I will never attempt to deny my allergy to morning wake-up calls, I have to say, that the gentle light that has begun to beam through my window each morning, has been greatly helping me get up and out of bed at a far earlier time than previous weeks/months have seen.  Okay, we may not be talking single digits here, but we are at least seeing the morning side of noon.  It's a small accomplishment and damn it, I'm gonna run with it.

The sun's reappearance is somewhat shifting my day-to-day habits too; I suddenly feel far more encouraged to be outside again, even despite the chill.  As I amble around the city, during the late afternoon, I can't help but become acutely aware that I'm actually able to see it once more, now that it's no longer cloaked in winter's murky shadows!  It's eclectic architecture, it's abandoned bottles, the technicolour graffiti, I can see it all clearly once again and it's a little like being reacquainted by an old friend.

Admittedly, I, like many others, suffer awfully with Seasonal Affective Disorder during the winter months and there were so many moments during this particular winter, whereby I just wanted to book a flight to the nearest tropical location and never come back, but in the end, as gruesome as the past few months have indeed been at times, I truly am glad that I stuck it out.  Sometimes, despite everything, you have to realise that the problem is less so the environment and more so, yourself and thus, it's ultimately irrelevant if you and your suitcase find yourself by the beach in Borneo, or holed up in a chilly Berlin apartment, because the issue will still be there, regardless.

If the past few years have taught me anything, it's that burying your head in the sand isn't going to solve things and that, for the most part, facing your demons actually works out a lot less scary than continually hiding from them.  So here's to spring, may you bring all the warmth we so aptly deserve!

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