{Insightful Sunday} Appreciation

Honestly, today I feel depleted.  Depleted of my energy, my enthusiasm, my motivation & my positivity.  I am drained, both physically & emotionally & more homesick than I've ever been before.  If I could, I would curl up into a ball, wrap myself in a duvet & sob my way through a bar of chocolate.  Only, I can't do that, so I must persevere & carry on.

Losing everything & starting again, is like a double edged sword.  On the one hand, it's a fresh start, a chance to learn from your mistakes & try again.  On the other hand, it's a painful separation & a traumatic blow.

The first few months were the worst, I felt broken & thrown out into the wind, just trying to catch the breeze.  Then, slowly but surely, I started to feel my way, moving slowly into a state of acceptance, eventually growing stronger & feeling uplifted by my freedom.  This was my chance to make a change.

It's tiring though.  Living in the breeze. Trusting that the turns I make are the right ones.  Believing in myself, especially when sometimes I feel like others don't.  This is standing on my own two feet alright.  Although sometimes it's like standing on quick sand.

Whilst it's difficult, I'm so thankful for everything I've gained from letting go.  I appreciate & cherish all the wonderful memories these past months have given me.  Yet, I still can't help but feel empty.  Lost.  Fractured.  Longing for a home that no longer exists.  Tired of being in other people's space.  Tired of not having my own.

I could not be more ready to throw my anchor overboard, just stop, live, be present for a while.  Enjoy my time, without restriction.  Free from time limits.  Financial restraints.  To make a home.  A safe haven.  A small but significant space for myself in the world.  That's something I wouldn't take for granted ever again.  I would appreciate it, more than I could express in words.

Who knows where in this great big world I will be able to do that.  Who knows when.  Until then, I will take this simmering sadness & I will tuck it away, deep inside & try to carry on.  Trusting that when the time is right, everything will come together.  Right now, that's all I can do, to keep on keeping on.

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{Insightful Sunday} Never too late to change.

Just as I think I'm on the path to self discovery, I find myself a little lost, caught up in the haze of Berlin's nightlife.  So many plans for the weekend, all lost to too many drinks & the snooze button.  I can't say I regret it, but equally, I think I've come to realise, that perhaps the things I tried to leave behind, were left there for a reason, a damn good one.

I do not miss overinflated entry fees to smoky dank clubs, where being intoxicated on a combination of chemical substances is a prerequisite.  Or finding myself sharing a cubicle in the women's toilets with the local drug dealer.  These are not my finest moments & act as a stark reminder of the kinds of craziness I left behind.

I have a good sense of direction, but it seems I am easily distracted & have a tendency to find myself adrift at times, rehashing old destructive behaviour.  I could easily have fallen back into very negative old ways this weekend, but if anything, it has reaffirmed the changes I've been attempting to implement.  That's the thing though, it's okay to fall down on the way to a better destination.

The trips & stumbles aren't the issue, it's learning from those minor setbacks, not getting discouraged & trying again that's important.  I want to be a clean living vegan yogi & damn it, I'm not afraid to put it out there.  I care about myself & the environment.  I want to do good things & be a good person.  I'm passionately curious & vehemently determined to make something good happen in my life.

I want to be the best version of myself I can be & despite my natural ability to be exceptionally self-critical, I have to accept that the path to a better existence may take time & a fair few hangovers along the way.  It's important to remember that regardless of where you're at, what you've done, or where you aim to be, it's never too late to make a positive change.

Starting first thing tomorrow, I'm off to seek out the elusive Yellow-Yoga centre, with my new friend Lucy & begin my yogi transformation.  'Breath in the positivity, exhale the negativity.'  I aim to get back into eating clean & molding my body into a toned temple, ready for the summer & having finally resolved some issues with exes this weekend, including Beard, I feel ready to finally move on & make room in my life & my heart for the right person.  It's time to let go of the past, feel excited for the future & embrace the present.

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{Insightful Sunday} Enjoy the moment.

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Oh Paris, how you break me, let me count the ways in which you make me suffer, as you do.

I knew I had a bad feeling about Paris.  The usual glee I feel, when I know a trip to the city of lights is booked, was simply absent & a low hum of dread was ever present, bubbling away beneath the surface.  There I was, sat in the airport departure lounge, a little misty eyed, although, perhaps, quite thankfully in the end, for only good reasons.  Or perhaps just the usual ones.

Less than three days, filled with tears & rain, stress & anxiety, with little breaks of optimism & perhaps, a little stirring of the heart.  I felt oddly heartbroken to be leaving.  Alas, is it not always the way, as soon as you have accepted a situation, it suddenly & finally changes.  So eager was I to leave for Berlin, I found myself unable to relax & enjoy myself.  Every car I booked, every flight, all ended in drama & lack of success.

Finally, I let go, I lived a little, I accepted my anchorage in Paris, I even opened my heart a little, to the city, to Him & then, as if without warning, I was off, to Stockholm, of all places, in an exaggerated detour to get to Berlin.  One final ride through the streets on the back of his scooter & I was off.  Teary eyed, standing in the check-in queue, wishing I had done more, wishing I had more time.

Paris certainly has an ability to feed your romantic notions, even in dismal conditions.  I can't say I strolled happily through the Tuileries, or stopped to glare up into the metal work of the Eiffel Tower & I didn't collapse with exhaustion, having climbed a mountain of stairs to reach the Sacré Cœur, but I did do a lot of people watching, albeit often through tear-filled eyes of loneliness & disappointment.

Thankfully, like a little ray of sun, breaking through the clouds, I did manage to connect with some interesting new people, new people who took me to hipster vegan eateries & informed me that Topshop had opened up in town.  New people who fed my desire to stay & who ultimately made me sad to leave.

Then, just as my time in Paris was coming to an end, I realised, quite disastrously, that I'd fallen, quite hopelessly, in lust with Him, the unavailable brown-eyed, bearded, skinny jean wearing Parisian friend.  Could this be any worse timing, or a fateful encounter, I've yet to decide.  All I know is, having finally reached Berlin, my mind couldn't be more in Paris.

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