{lately on instagram}

So, there I was, mindlessly trawling through my Facebook homepage this afternoon and I suddenly stumbled across a friend's pictures of India and I thought, 'why am I not in India!?'  Then I really thought to myself, 'seriously, why aren't I in India!?  Or Bali?  Or anywhere else in the world for that matter!?'

Now, I don't want to start sounding schizophrenic, so please, bear with me here, but whilst on the one hand I do love living in Berlin - the lifestyle it has to offer, the general vibe of the place itself - I equally must admit to having a roaming heart that wishes to see and explore the world.  In fact, in all truth, it has been a lifelong struggle of mine, finding the balance between my nesting habits and my need to take flight.

However, living entirely out of a suitcase, for well over a year, without anywhere to call home was...well, both incredibly freeing but equally, in truth, very difficult at times and now that I've finally found a place I really like and that makes me feel at home, I want to be able to build a solid base for myself here.  Somewhere stable, that's rooted and comforting, that allows me to still be able to pack up that suitcase and flit off with abandon, but with the knowledge that I actually have somewhere to come back to, when I'm ready to return.

I think that's definitely been the balance that's been missing in my life, these past few years and I think 2015 just feels like the right time to address that.  So yes, I want you to know that I still love living here in Berlin and am desperately impatient in my desire to get my name cemented onto a lease as soon as is possible, but equally, I totally admit to having itchy feet and wanting nothing more, than to jump onto the nearest flight in search of some great adventure, in some far flung, yet to be explored territory!  However, for now, I guess I simply need to learn to calm myself and try to find a middle ground and just do what I can, with what I have, where I am.

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Sometimes, it's just all or nothing.

In just less than a month's time, I need to move out of my shared apartment and find somewhere new in town to live.  I hate this part of the process.  It's not that I can't handle change, God knows I've gotten to grips with that over the past few years, but the thing is, well, I've been thinking about it and I simply don't want to rent another room, for another few months.  Because, what I've come to realise, is that I don't want to live in the grey of my own indecision anymore.

Y'see, I want in.  I want all in.  I want to be here.  To commit to my own life, to making a life, to living.  I know what I want now, more so than I think I ever did before and in a lot of ways, it scares me.  Having something you want, fighting for it, means you run the risk of failing, but the thing is, as scary as that prospect is, if you fail to ever take any risks, then you never gain anything and I think I'd prefer to take that chance if I'm honest.

I spent too much time back in England wasting chances.  Like the opportunity to run off to New York with the hipster Jewish musician.  Or that time I thought about flitting off to live in Belgium with the cute wild haired…musician.  Okay, there were a lot of musicians…Anyway, the point is, I never took a chance, I consistently held myself back for so many reasons.  I had so many dreams and yet so little courage and yet finally, here I am, having loosened my shackles, run off around Europe, alone, in search of a better life and now, it appears as though I've found one.

I found a spot in the world that just felt right.  A place that was like a garden I could nurture and grow in.  A hobby that turned into a passion and a man who, despite his hesitancy, I'm convinced is my complete and utter soul-mate…and yes, admittedly, he is another musician, amongst other things.

I'm honestly terrified and completely unsure as to how exactly I'm going to break through Berlin's concrete underground and plant my roots, but, at the very least, I am determined.  At the end of the day, I didn't give it all up, just to move my stagnation across an ocean, I came to learn how to swim amongst the waves and I'll be dammed if anyone's going to stop me, least of all myself.

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”
— Helen Keller

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Perspective.

If you follow me on social media, then you may have picked up on my mild mental breakdown last week, which was mainly induced by what I can only describe as a really rough few days.  You know those times when everything that could possibly go wrong, seemingly does and disastrously all at once?  Yeah, it was that, all over.

The thing is, whilst a lot of the occurrences of that week were rather stressful and altogether overwhelming, I think that in all honesty, it was more so the fact that they chose to unfold all at once, which saw them become so achingly difficult to deal with.  Because, when I took a step back and picked them apart, in all honesty, each thing wasn't really that bad, nor unmanageable.

I think it's fair to say, that there are countless occasions in life, whereby we find ourselves entirely losing perspective of the big picture and allowing ourselves to get bogged down by the minor details.  What was once crystal clear, suddenly becomes blurred by intense amounts of stress and anxiety and in an instant, everything starts to feel like an impossible task and throwing yourself out of the nearest window slowly begins to feel like the best option.

Yet sometimes, we simply have to come to realise, that even the most tumultuous times are not indicative of the end, because, let's face it, only the end, is really the end, everything else is just progress.

If I think back to all the times over the years, where I felt entirely defeated by life and lost my mind to too many dark, broken hours, crying alone in corners, convinced my world was coming to an end, only to somehow find the strength to fight another day and witness things take a miraculous turn for the better, I have to acknowledge that as hard as it gets from time to time and as final as it can occasionally appear, things do always improve.

What's important to remember, is that every occurrence, every interaction, every event and moment, whether negative or positive, pleasant or unpleasant, difficult or easy, is predestined and each and every experience offers us an opportunity for growth.  Each difficulty and achievement holds within it a lesson.  Sometimes, it's simply that we need to learn to trust in that and in doing so, to keep some perspective and some faith, because ultimately, for every negative there is a positive and for every up there is a down.

So if you're riding a high, appreciate the moment and if you're currently battling the low, have faith that the further down you are, the higher you can look forward to rising.  At the end of the day, it's not how dark it gets that matters, it's how brightly you choose to shine.

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
— Steve Jobs

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