Analysing my face in the mirror today, as I applied my makeup, I realised just how staggeringly little my face appears to have aged in the past ten years. I'm nearly thirty and people are still presuming I'm about twenty and asking if I'm here in Berlin studying. I guess I should be thankful and I am, to a certain extent, although, admittedly, at times, it can be a little frustrating, especially when people seem intent on treating me like a child.
Regardless of my gratitude, I'm more amazed than anything, that I have managed to keep this childlike demeanor for so long, I mean, I haven't always been the clean living, T-total, vegan, yogi hipster I am today! Heck no! Back in the day, I was a binge drinking, drug abusing, carnivorous social smoker, whose only exercise was the short walk to the supermarket next to work, where I used to brazenly steal bars of chocolate. Yes guys, I have a past, a dark one.
That's the thing though, it is my past and I've changed and evolved. I've let go of a lot and I'm not just talking about the physical things, like my house, or my possessions, I'm also talking about bad habits, out-dated beliefs and a whole lot of self-worth issues. As cliched as it may sound, I genuinely did find my inner happiness over the course of my traveling, but sometimes, when you find the meaning to your own life, through this very fluid and nomadic state, it can be hard to keep it all in check, when things change and you find yourself stationary.
When it's just me, a suitcase and the open road, I can totally embrace it. I let go and I'm happy, but the minute I put down my anchor, I just seem to pile on the expectations. Needing an apartment, needing things, needing structure and routine, you name it, the list goes on and on. That's when I have to ask myself, how, after everything, after living without these things for so long and knowing full well that I can be gloriously happy without them, do I still allow myself to be so weighed down by my longing for them?
When you learn to let go of everything, including your expectations, your attachment to the eventual outcome, the desire to know all the answers and just give way to the here and now, the great unknown, the natural fluidity of all life, things do just happen, they do just flow and fall gently into place. Annoyingly, I know this better than anyone and just as annoyingly, I seem to find myself forgetting all the God damn time! Over and over again, I bundle up into a ball of self-pity, worry and tears, concerned with the what ifs and holding on too tightly to all the things I think I need.
One of my favourite astrologers (beside mère), Kaypacha, recently said, "pain comes when there is a build up of energy, when we are overly focused on something, or overly attached to something, or afraid to let go of something. It's like we dam the river and the pressure builds up. You always have what you need and if something goes away, it's because you don't need it anymore and you may not understand it and it may hurt at the time and it may take time for those emotional cords, that are cut or broken, to heal but ultimately, that's when you need faith."
I think he's got a point. So okay, everything is still very much up in the air at the moment and no, I still don't have my apartment, Mr Pig is still living it up back in England with mère and G and things with the Rabbi are still 'undefined', but for now, I guess I do have everything I need and maybe, just maybe, I need to let go and embrace that and trust that when the time is right, everything will fall into place, just as it's meant to.
