A beautiful beginning.

Today marks the Solar Eclipse/New Moon in Scorpio, signalling a time of completion and thus, in turn, an initiation into a new phase of our lives.  This is a chance to make changes, big changes.  A chance to let go of all that we've previously allowed to hold us back.  A chance to sever the ties with anything, or anyone, that no longer serves us, or our purpose.  There has truly never been a better time to take a leap of faith forward and embrace the new, in belief of our ability to be happy, truly happy and achieve great things.

When I think of how I spent over half my life in a suicidal depressive coma, self-harming, self-loathing, consistently feeling as though a part of me was missing, utterly lost and in need of direction, desperately in search of my purpose, I am often amazed that I managed to make it this far and even more remarkably, to have wound up so happy.  I sometimes wonder how I could have allowed myself to waste so much time, so much energy, on feeling so damn miserable.  It saddens me, but what saddens me more so, is to think of all the people who are still trapped in this viscous cycle, unable to find a way out.

We, as a society, spend so much time doing things simply because they're appropriate, or expected of us.  Because this was how we were raised to behave.  This is what we were raised to believe.  This is what is considered acceptable.  We're constantly concerned with gaining the approval of others, who in turn, are concerned with gaining approval from someone else themselves.  It's like the blind leading the blind!  Every now and then, someone, somewhere, wakes up, sees things for what they are and decides to just do their own thing, in their own way and in their own time and you know what, most of the time they get crucified for it!  Because people simply can't handle it, people don't like things that they can't understand and that at times, they're too afraid to do themselves.

Some of those people end up getting beaten back down by the judgement and criticism and find themselves downbeat and disheartened, but for some, they refuse to ever give up or go back and so, they kick and scream their way out regardless of opinion or peer pressure.  They might be afraid, but they're courageous enough to keep going and it's ultimately their success, that helps to inspire others to do the same.  With the world the way it is, it's not always easy being yourself and doing things in your own way, but believe me, it's a damn sight harder living as someone you're not, doing things you have no heart in, simply because you're too afraid to make a change.  I know this better than anyone and I can assure you, that I felt more inclined to kill myself when I seemingly 'fitted in', than I ever have being the oddball vagrant I am today.

We are all individual and unique and to even think, for one singular minute, that we can all live, eat, work, look or even love the same way is just down right preposterous.  There cannot be one direction, one journey, one rule for everyone.  We must cease from trying to 'conform', to 'fit in', to live up to other people's expectations of who they think we should be.  We know who we are and we need to start acknowledging, accepting and embracing that.  We have the ability to do and achieve anything and everything that our minds can imagine.  A sentiment that many are unable to accept or believe, because they live and see things in such a limited way and they will project that limitation onto you time and time again throughout your life.

Don't close your mind because someone tells you that you can't do what you dream of doing.  Don't hold back because someone tells you that what you're thinking is unrealistic or irrational.  The only thing to fear, is fear itself and so, the next time you feel that wave of anxiety begin to wash over you, say 'fuck it!' and do it anyway.  Throw caution to the wind.  Do what feels right for you.  Say 'I love you' when you feel it in your heart.  Eat that damn piece of cake and love your body, in whatever form it's in and most importantly, don't you dare waste a single minute feeling downhearted and incapable, because the only barrier in your life, is the one you put up and your sole purpose in this lifetime is to learn how to break that mother fucker down!

So go out there and BE BIG, BE BOLD and BE BRAVE!  Because you, above all, deserve to be happy!

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Finding the beauty in the great unknown.

I love Berlin, I really do and whilst I know that I don't wish to live there indefinitely, I do very much want to give it a year or two, because I feel as though it's a city with an awful lot to give.  However, I think taking a time out and returning to England was healthy for me and sometimes in life, we do need to take a little breather and maybe even a little step back, just so as to gain perspective on certain matters in our lives.  My initial intention when I booked the flight, was to stay in England for two weeks, however, after only a few days of being there, I felt as though a fortnight away from Berlin just wasn't going to be sufficient.  Well, as is typical, no sooner had I allowed those thoughts to permeate, had another opportunity to travel arisen, hence, here I am, now in France, staying with one of my favourite people.

The last time I was here, in this particular part of France, it was February.  The weather at the time was dreadful; awfully cold and rainy and my friend and I mostly stayed indoors, huddled by the fire, watching copious films, whilst her two large dogs snoozed happily on the floor nearby.  We also did an awful lot of baking in those few weeks.  Cold snaps definitely invoke the need for sugary comforts I find.  Being back here now, with it being relatively warm and thankfully quite sunny, it all seems quite surreal.  In fact, my entire life, as it stands, feels rather surreal at times.  Saying goodbye to Mère at the airport had not left me soggy-eyed, as it had done nine months prior, on my last visit.  Walking into the terminal hall did not make my stomach flip with nervous anxiety, as it had the first time I had flown out here on my own, all of eighteen months ago.

In fact, having counted up, I have thus far clocked up seven flights since only January of this year and now, flitting from one country to another, is about as normal to me as hopping on a train from Kent to London.  There is absolutely no trepidation whatsoever.  Which, is something I am rather thankful for, because, it was not that long ago that there was.  In fact, I recall booking a flight to Rome for my twentieth birthday and being adamant that I was going to go off, on my own.  I so desperately wanted to.  I have lived my life as a complete romantic and at this time of my life, I had many adventurous notions.  I constantly wanted to just pack up and flit off to somewhere, quite on my own and explore.  However, it seemed as though I didn't quite have the gumption required at the time and so, with the departure day approaching, I ended up panicking and begging a friend to go with me, which thankfully she did.

I think back on that time and to where I am now and it truly amazes me that finally, I am able to just pack a bag, hop on a plane and flit off to where I fancy.  Completely alone.  Completely without worry or fear.  I really appreciate and enjoy it and whilst I do occasionally feel a little homesick and sorrowful at my lack of anchorage, it's at times like this that I realise how fortunate I am.  How much freedom I have.  Although, this then has the tendency to almost make me break out in hives at the thought of tying myself to a permanent address anywhere, but I think it's unrealistic to think that we can sustain such an imbalanced life for long without suffering.  When I think back to when I lived in England and worked a day job, six days a week, I continually craved my freedom and desperately sought escape.  Now I am entirely free, but I cannot deny that my freedom comes at a cost; that of a home and my own personal space, amongst other things.

Everything I do now, is to work towards finding a balance in my life.  To lay roots, but have the freedom of exploration.  I think, the more you learn to find that balance, the less affected you are by the 'grass is always greener' condition.  For me personally, prior to traveling, I spent a lot of my life dreaming of a better one and even now, I sometimes have to be reminded to be present and acknowledge how great things are and to be thankful of that.  Okay, I can't say that I know where I'm going to be, or what I'll be doing, next month, or even by Christmas, but I can say that I'm finally alright with that.  When it comes to life, whilst you may have a direction in mind and an idea of the journey to get there, you simply can't have a plan, because you just don't know what's going to happen and there are always guaranteed to be curve-balls thrown your way.  The more you learn to let go and work with what comes up, unexpected or otherwise and go with the eventual detours, the happier you'll be, because constantly pushing against the tide will only serve to wear you out in the end.

So here I am, in France, the sun is shining, it's the middle of October, I'm finishing up my book and enjoying spending time with my friend.  What happens after here is currently unknown, but I'm okay with that.

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Finding birth in death.

Honestly, sometimes I think that I should make 'Never Gives Up' my middle name.  Over the course of this past week, it had felt as though I had thrown all of my cards up in the air and I was merely waiting, patiently and nervously, for them to finally fall, so I could see where and how they landed.  I could sense that the beginning of the week would finally reveal all and I would either find myself in exaltation, or a state of disappointment induced catatonia.  By Monday night, the first card fell and it landed on the thorn of a rose bush, sending out an ominous wave, which terrified me somewhat.  By Tuesday afternoon, all had come crashing down around me and suddenly, fogged by grief at the chaos I was laying in, I honestly felt like running away.

Alas, when you've sold all your belongings, including your bed and your house has tenants until the Spring, you have to face the fact that you have nowhere to run to.  Sometimes, that stark reality has a tendency to make the blind panic worse.  Trapped by a complete feeling of hopelessness.  Unable to make a decision about which direction to take.  However, allowing myself to crumble into a pitiful puddle of tears, I recognised that this was a kind of death I was experiencing and I believe that every death births a new beginning.  Thus, from the ashes of all my failings, I rose a stronger, better, more hopeful me today.  Ready to start again...again.

They say, if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.  So okay, my first attempts didn't bear fruit, so do I just give up?  No!  I might give myself a minute to fall apart and cry out my misery, but then I brush myself off and I try again.  Only this time I just try something different and I keep trying until I succeed.  Because ultimately, if you know in your gut that you can do it, if you believe in yourself to that extent and believe in what you are aiming to achieve, then you simply have to push on, regardless of the obstacles.  The best things in life are worth fighting for and nothing worth fighting for is easily attained, trust me, I can attest to that.

So for now, it's time to say Auf Wiedersehen to Berlin for just a few short weeks, so that I may head back to England, to spend time with some of my favourite people, including the lovely Charlotte, who, along with her equally lovely fiance Sebastian, are going to house me for the duration.  It is fair to say that I have to some degree, avoided going back to England for visits since I left last July, as I can't help but always feel a little defeatist at the thought of returning and after my last visit at Christmas, I just found myself feeling rather unhappy there.  However, on this occasion I feel different.  I'm genuinely excited!  I really am.

I mean, I miss Berlin already and I've not stepped on the plane yet, but I do feel all kinds of bubbling enthusiasm building in my stomach at the thought of being back in England for a little bit.  I know entirely for sure that Berlin is where I want to live.  I love it here, my heart is here, but with everything that's gone on this past month and this week in particular, I feel as though I need a break, in order to click the refresh button and fall back in love with the city.  They say distance makes the heart grow fonder and as my time away in Rome, back in June, proved, I am sure I will be flying home to Berlin with a spring in my step in a few weeks time.

I think that every negative has a positive, so for every door that closes and for every deviation to the 'plan', we are merely forced to take a different and better route, which eventually leads to a better destination than the one we had imagined.  So, embracing this deviation, my intention is to fully embrace my time in England, seeing friends, mère, Mr Pig, getting reacquainted with some of my few things in storage, eating my weight in hummus (it's so expensive and abysmal here) and stockpiling English essentials to bring back.  I'm going to take this time out to really get inspired, come up with some new ideas and ways in which I can 'make shit happen' and come back to Berlin kicking ass!

Prepare yourself people, I have positivity beaming out of my suitcase!

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