New moon, new mind.

Well, what a difference a week makes.  After having something along the lines of a breakdown last week, I finally found some release through yoga & thankfully brought myself back to center, ready to carry on, with more determination than ever.  Whoever said following your dreams was easy, eh, but as they say, the best things in life are worth fighting for & I for one have my game face on.

With the new moon in my sign of Leo & being conjunct in Jupiter, for the first time in a decade, I am positive that everything is about to get a whole lot easier…Or at least that's my hope, anyway!  Either way, I am feeling far more upbeat & positive.  I have been trying to focus all my energy on being proactive & getting things done, ticking things off my never ending to do list.

On Wednesday, with the help of the Swede, we went to the Bürgeramt round the corner & finally registered me as living in Berlin.  I am now in possession of a stamped piece of paper with my name on it.  The following day we went a step further, opening me a bank account with  Sparkasse.  So I am now officially a legitimate Berlin resident.  This is both terrifying & exciting & also essentially marks the end of my year of traveling.  I am unpacking the suitcase & sticking up the postcards!

When I left England last year, my intention was always to find somewhere new to live abroad, although I was never quite sure where that was going to be.  Having been to Berlin a few times before, at various times of the year, I never really gave a great deal of thought to living here.  However, during my time in France back in the Spring, I just felt a sudden compulsion to return & plant roots for a while.

In life, sometimes you have to stop thinking & just go with the flow.  If you feel compelled to go somewhere, or do something, even if you can't quite understand why, just do it.  Being in Berlin has not only helped to provide me with the type of lifestyle I was always leaning towards, but it has also brought into my life some people who I could not love & appreciate more.

There is still so much to do, including finding an income & securing an apartment, so Swede can have his floor back, but I have to say, I'm very happy & content in this moment, even if it is a hectic one.  There is so much of this city I wish to write about & share & I will, in time.  For now, you may need to bear with me, as I prepare to celebrate my birthday & the one year anniversary of my leaving England!

Tschüss!

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Pause.

I'm off to find my equilibrium, do bear with me.

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The final hurdle.

I'm afraid to say, my positive bubble has burst.  I have reached saturation point & am very much inclined to throw myself a pity party for one.  You see, it seems that whilst traveling feels very fluid, moving from place to place, meeting new people, seeing new things, choosing to stop & plant roots somewhere, isn't quite the natural progressive process I was hoping it would be.  In fact, it seems really fucking hard.

Finding myself in a new city, in a a new country, where I can speak all of three words of the language, is all starting to feel a little overwhelming.  I can't deny there has been more than one occasion today alone, whereby I have had to try to contain the welling of tears, to avoid a blubbery moment of hysteria.  It's safe to say, I can sense a very public, very embarrassing breakdown looming.

On the one hand, I am an eternal optimist.  Hand on heart I believe things are going to work out.  I have a vision of my future & I trust it will manifest into reality.  However, in the here & now, dealing with unemployment & sleeping on a friend's floor in my sleeping bag each night, that future seems a worrying way away.  There is only so much optimism you can hang onto, especially when feeling under pressure.

The other day, I was in a vinyasa yoga class, which was perhaps a level above my ability.  I was struggling, sweating & just about ready to give up & walk out of the class.  But I persevered & felt proud of myself when I made it through the full ninety minutes to the end.  In some ways, this is my life right now, it feels kinda shitty at times & I can't deny I'm struggling & feel out of my depths, but I feel as though, if I can just hold on & persevere a little longer, I'll come out the other side & things will be better.

It's times like this, of course, I look back & struggle not to feel a wave of regret at what I've given up.  Life in England was good, it was easy, comfortable & in some ways, I feel like questioning why exactly I felt so unhappy.  Why did I make such an effort to leave, only to end up here, struggling.  But, what was I realistically gaining.  I guess sometimes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zone & struggle a little, or else we simply face coasting into mediocrity.

It has taken more strength than I ever thought I had, to get to this point & I really feel as though, I am reaching the top of a very steep hill, ready to glide down the other side.  So, despite the fact that all I want to do right now is quietly sob & book a flight back to England, I am somehow going to force myself to find that last little bit of energy & push that final mile.  Because, quite frankly, after eleven months of traveling, I owe it to myself to finish what I started.

“We gain strength, courage & confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...We must do that which we think we cannot.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

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