{Insightful Sunday} Self-Worth

Do you ever just look back and see how much you gave to someone and then realise how little they gave you in return?  I'm not saying you should give to receive, but ultimately, sometimes, you give and give and give, in this open, loving, unconditional way, only to start to wake up to the fact that you're the only one giving anything at all.  It's like fighting tooth and nail for something, or someone, only to find that you're the only one in the battle, which surely means that in reality, you're ultimately fighting against yourself. 

The annoying thing is, the real issue was never them, nor their behaviour, their lack of appreciation, or care, it was you, for accepting it.  For making excuses.  For going back.  Time and time again.

Lately, I started to feel a little unsteady in my relationship and I projected a lot of that concern onto the other person, but it was only recently that I came to realise what the real crux of the issue was and it turned out, it wasn't them at all, it was in fact me.

I have always stood by the belief, that you attract to you, people who teach you something about yourself and especially when it comes to romantic relationships, it seems that we pull towards us the same types again and again, because there are often hard lessons to be learnt, that simply won't dissipate until they eventually have been learnt.  Now personally, I thought I'd pinned down what my lessons were in this particular relationship - self-expression, loving without restrictions, yada yada, - but it turns out that the real issue was one that harked back longer than I could remember and one that was so engrained, I didn't even realise it was there: self worth.

This lack of self worth, that I wasn't even aware of, was not just affecting my relationships with the opposite sex, but also my relationships with friends and ultimately and perhaps more critically, even my work.  I'm a creative, so naturally, to some degree, I tend to be critical of myself, but how often do I hold myself back, because I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, that what I create isn't good enough?  How many times have I accepted being put last on someone's priority list, because I didn't believe I was important enough to be considered for a position on the top of it?  How many times had I failed to speak up about what I wanted, or what I needed, because I felt that the person I had to say it to would simply walk away, not considering me worth the hassle?

Waking up to the realisation that I was persistently holding myself back in many areas of my life, simply because I wasn't willing to be my own champion, was eye-opening, if not a little tear jerking.  How long had I been unwittingly doing this and most importantly why on earth had I been doing this!?

I think in life, you can be full of good intentions - being kind, caring, considerate, supportive and giving your love freely to others - but if you can't do that for yourself, because you don't believe you deserve to be treated that way, then there simply aren't enough people in the world, with enough love and belief in you, that will be able to prove you wrong.

Perhaps though, it's finally time to recognise that the past is the past, it's created our present sure, but in order to have the future we really want, we need to acknowledge what's been holding us back, what didn't work and learn to let it all go, so that we may finally find the confidence to stand up and be counted.  To say 'this is what we want, this is what we need, this is what we're going to achieve' and be confident in saying it, because we truly believe it's what we deserve and are capable of.

It's soon to be a new year, another chance to make a change and exert some personal authority.  *Deletes messages, erases phone numbers, puts the past behind.*  Now, I'm not really one for making new year's resolutions, but I do think that this seems like an opportune time to maybe recognise what's not working in my life, where I'm clearly going spectacularly wrong and what lessons are obviously still left to be learnt and choose to make an executive decision to attempt to make right some wrongs.  If I'm ever going to achieve great things, I need to first believe that I can!

Everyone creates realities based on their own personal beliefs. These beliefs are so powerful that they can create [expansive or entrapping] realities over and over.
— Kuan Yin

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{Inisghtful Sunday} A timely illusion.

Why must time insist on flying by at such rapid speed these days?  I mean really, one minute it was August and now, all of a sudden, it's merely a matter of weeks until we start an entirely new year again!  It kind of makes me feel sad in some ways, the way life just seems to hit a particular point and then suddenly time speeds up and the years pass by like weeks, days blurring into insignificance.  In fact, I was looking through my photos on Instagram last night and saw all of the ones of my time out in Sicily.  Over three months spent luxuriating on the beach, eating gelato and soaking up the sun; seems like only yesterday, yet, when I calculated, it was actually over a year ago that I left there to go back to the mainland!  A fact of which I can barely comprehend!

During my last trip to France, I remember standing by the window in my friend Kate's kitchen, staring out at the falling leaves, which had all of a sudden gone from a dense rich green to a golden shade of brown and discussing the concept of time.  When I contemplate what I know to be true about the world, it is this - seasons come and go, the sun rises then sets and for every birth, there is a death, yet we are the only species who have felt the need to break down this natural flow and stick it so rigidly into a structured format, that we can all work around, sometimes quite literally.  It is in essence though, an illusionary state, because in truth, there is no March, there is no Tuesday and even three o'clock is simply a fabrication.  There is just life and life should not be fixed nor measured, although, we sure as hell like to try to.

Personally, with the nomadic, chaotic, untethered life I lead these days, I will admit that for the most part, the concept of time has slowly disintegrated.  I constantly have to check with people in order to be reminded of what day it is and if it weren't for things like yoga, or meetings, I'd probably sleep in 'til noon most days.  Admittedly, I know such a lifestyle is not always practical in this modern world, but I for one think that a life without the traditional calender structure actually flows better.  Unlabelled days, sleeping when you're tired, rising when you're awake, eating when you're hungry, not because it's 'lunchtime'.

Perhaps if time wasn't so measured, I wouldn't worry about it going by so quickly, because maybe I just wouldn't notice.  Maybe I'd just be in the flow of it and without counting up the days, who's to say how much time has passed.  Life just becomes endless.  I think it would be nice to be in an endless state of existence that came with no preoccupation with time, just going with the grand ebb and flow of the day, the light, my cravings, my needs.  No fixed structure and the simple, yet often difficult, ability to change course at will.  No hold over expectations.  No fear of the end, because the end is inevitable and its timing unknown, so why not embrace the moment, especially when the moments are often so fleeting.

Maybe I'm just slipping into a bohemian coma here, maybe it's the winter hibernation, but maybe it's just time to let go of time.

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{Insightful Sunday} it's okay to not be okay

I have three words for you: seasonal affective disorder.  Yes, I may have got over thirteen years of suicidal depression, but it seems that I still can't shake the winter blues.  My sleep cycle is completely off balance, the sun seems to only shine for a few short hours each day and I feel as though the evening's darkness is ever present.

I don't want to wish my days away, but I miss the summer.  I miss the heat.  Some days, I feel as though I'm losing the plot entirely.  There are only so many films, so many books, so many chocolate bars, before I crave something new, something fresh.  I'm drowning and winter has only just begun.  I don't think I'll make it to March without a sunbed or a vacation!

I might be a beaming light of positivity during the summer, filled with excitement, bursting with enthusiasm and bubbling with ideas, but right now, in the midst of winter, I am Scrooge incarnate.  I wanna be grumpy and hide under the covers, moping and moaning at how awful this season is.  I'm sorry guys, but sometimes, I just can't be the happy, hopeful person I'd like to be.  Sometimes I'm not okay and sometimes, it's okay not to be okay.

Just as the seasons change, so do our habits and our moods and just as we can be bouncing off the walls with energy one minute, we may have to accept that we're going to be abysmally lethargic and perhaps a little withdrawn the next.  We don't do ourselves any favours by beating ourselves up over it.  Sometimes we just need to accept our limitations and embrace the quietude.

So no, I'm not okay, no, I'm not high on happiness and no, that's probably not about to change anytime soon, but you know what, I'm okay, with not being okay.  At least for now.

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