{Insightful Sunday} Independence

When I left Berlin at the very end of September, it was because things had simply reached a stalemate.  I'd done all that I could at the time and yet, things had seemingly not progressed to the degree that I required them to.  I needed a break, a chance to get out and clear away the smog that was restricting my brainwaves.

The few weeks I had back in England, staying with my beautiful best Charlotte, was lovely and it was great to be able to catch up with both her and some of my oldest friends too.  I have to admit, I've always been something of a lone wolf; I like my solitude, but equally, when I make friends, I like to forge a deep bonding, one that stands the test of time and doesn't require constant management.  I hadn't seen anyone back home for over nine months and some of my friends and I had maybe only spoken once a month or so, but seeing each other again, it was as though no time had passed.  I think that's the true test of a good and solid friendship and I think that those relationships are greatly important.  However independent and solitary you may be, there will always come a time when you need that support in your life and it's good to know that it's there.

After two weeks passed, I knew I wasn't ready to head back to Berlin yet and so, I flew out to France to stay with another of my closest friends, Kate and her husband Cheese, where I spent half the time nestled in their spare bedroom, painstakingly trying to finish writing my book and the other half living in my yogi pants, tucked up in front of the fire, with a precious copy of British Vogue to read and a plate full of homemade Chelsea buns to nibble on.  It was certainly a much needed time out and I could not be more appreciative of their hospitality.  These are not just my friends, they're truly my family and I honestly could not want for better.

I said to myself that I wouldn't return to Berlin until I was in a position to lay down permanent roots, because, whilst I have been incredibly fortunate over the past six months since I moved here, it has undeniably been a struggle at times.  I have essentially slept on every floor, sofa and spare bed in, quite possibly, every neighbourhood in town and quite honestly, people have been more than generous towards me, for which I am truly grateful, but, that was the summer and in truth, that kind of vagrancy can only continue for so long.  It's time for change.  I need to make a secure home for myself and I need to do it on my own and in my own way.

I followed my heart and came back on a leap of faith, however, things did not fall spectacularly into place, as I hoped.  In the short week since I arrived back in the city, there have been nights whereby I have cried myself to sleep, questioning everything, including my sanity.  I have asked myself where on this great Earth I truly belong and as to whether or not I was crazy to come back when I did.  My mind has spiraled out of control on a fair few occasions and I've fallen back innumerable times, leaning too heavily on people for support, people who by now are starting to push back and force me to take responsibility for myself.  It's hard, but it is right, because I do need to stand on my own two feet and learn to take care of myself, mentally, emotionally and physically.

If the past sixteen months of traveling has taught me anything, it's that I am more than capable of looking after myself and whilst this is the first time I've been in Berlin without anywhere to stay and indeed, anyone to rely on, perhaps in truth, that's what I need.  If anything, it's a great test of my endurance and a good indicator of how much I want to stay; how willing am I to persevere in order to make this happen?  Sometimes you need things to be stripped back - take away the friendships, the lovers, even the warmth and the sunshine, see a place for the bare bones that it is and really ask yourself: is this enough?  Can I find happiness here, alone?  After a ridiculously sweaty Bikram session with Katie yesterday, down in Mitte, I looked out of the window to the street below and despite everything, every great unknown, every unstable uncertainty that I currently face, I knew in my heart of hearts, that this, this rugged, grey city, is where I belong, it is what makes me happy.  Whether that's on my own or not.

I think there are lessons in every hardship, so for now, I release any worry, I stop with the tears, I desist from relying on others and I work things out on my own, in my own way.  If things are meant to be, I truly trust that they will be and ultimately, I have complete faith in the universe.  I mean hey, it got me here, right!

“What you commit to, will commit to you.”

— Chani Nicholas

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{Insightful Sunday} Worry less, dream more.

There are times when I have to ask myself - what happens if it doesn't work out?  What if everything I needed, was everything I had?  Worse of all, what if, to some extent, I never get it back?  Seems kind of easy for those thoughts to get out of hand though.  Sometimes taking over entirely.  Nothing I hate more, than spiraling out of control; going from a perfectly happy, balanced place, to one of distinct desolation, but how easy it can be to lose sight of the truth, when our fears are distracting us.

I have to perpetually keep myself in check.  Recognise early on, when I'm beginning to tumble down that slippery slope, towards total disillusion.  Because, if I don't, I tend to reach the point, whereby I can't differentiate between what is a real threat and what is merely a figment of my imagination.

I think that's often the problem though - we spend our lives fantasising about certain situations and then, before they've even had the opportunity to come to fruition, we fear their demise.  It's a fear that grows and grows, until it has reached an unrecognisable and ultimately, irrational dimension.  Therefore leaving us in a state of perennial fear of something, that has not only yet to happen, but that may in fact never occur at all.

What a peculiar species we are, choosing to live in such a needless state of panic at times.  Personally, I find it quite tiring.  Quite tiring indeed.

Whilst admittedly, I may not be entirely cured of this horrendous human affliction, I am however, at least aware of it and I always say, it's better to be aware than ignorant.  So I shall stay in my little bubble for a while longer, dreaming up scenarios, but I'll be sure to stop short of worrying about the imaginary possible pitfalls, because if I use up all my energy worrying about what has yet to happen, I'll never have the energy to deal with what has.

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{Insightful Sunday} Freedom

Being out here in France, with the sun shining and the only audible sound being the flow of the nearby river and the birds singing, I have to admit, I've struggled with the thought of returning to a cold and industrial Berlin.  Sometimes distance makes your heart grow fonder and sometimes, it forms a gap that seemingly knows no bounds.  For me, there is a lot tied up in Berlin.  Since I first flew to the city back in May, I have spent five months somewhat struggling to forge a life for myself there.  Settling in, finding routine, falling in love.  Only now, in all honesty, I feel as though I'm getting cold feet.

It's that age old adage of be careful what you wish for.  Living out of a suitcase has been a combination of freeing and distressing, in equal measure.  At some points I have embraced it and other times, I have cried in anguished longing, just for a place to call my own.  However, sat thinking about it, knowing how close I am to perhaps being in a state of settlement, I can't help but feel the panic setting in.  Whilst I have no doubt that I would relish having my own space and being in my own environment, there is a part of me that worries that I will rapidly begin to feel like a trapped bird, encased within a cage of my own reckless creation.

It's an odd and difficult balance to attempt to find, that of both freedom and security.  I believe that for the most part, I truly have come to feel secure within myself.  I have finally found that home I so desired, deep within myself.  A feeling of which I have spent the past year painfully attempting to achieve, so in retrospect, perhaps I've actually managed to grow more than I thought.

I don't think this concern is a case of indecisiveness anymore, I think it's more so about the feeling of freedom.  I had a conversation with the Rabbi a while ago, in regards to relationships and the importance of finding the balance between our needs and our desires, our commitment and our freedom.  I've always thought of myself as a burning fire.  When people tried to contain me within the confines of a 'relationship', they always ended up getting burnt.  I couldn't handle the feeling of being penned in.  When I did eventually commit myself to a relationship, it ended with me feeling as though I'd been entirely extinguished.  After more than two years together, when it ended, I felt as though I'd been left in a pile of ashes.  In some ways, this is what I worry about with settling in Berlin, or in fact, anywhere.

Traveling has fanned my flames and whilst I accept that I can't realistically live out of a suitcase forever, I equally couldn't bare to go back to the type of structured life that I had before, either.  I mean, I've gone from one extreme to the other; a comforted life at 'home', that I perpetually dreamt of escaping, to a life that is completely without root or attachment.  My challenge now, is to find the balance between the two, because, I really do need my freedom in order to feel happy and content, however, I also need to be able to balance that roaming heart, with the ability to commit to something, somewhere, or someone, without falling into the feeling of being trapped.  So maybe I'll settle in Berlin, or maybe I'll end up somewhere else, but I will settle, in my own way.  I guess for now, I'm just continuing to see where the breeze carries me.

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